Blue Whales Lament, "We Can't Take It Anymore!"

Driven suicidal by the torrent of incredibly stupid, banal, and jaw-dropping inanity of what passes for news in California, the largest mammals on the planet have decided to end their lives rather than suffer through another report of celebrity retardation. "It's insane! I can't take one more story about Phil Spector or O.J. Simpson or those crazy, drug-addled, rich white chicks like Lindsay Lohan and Britney showing their beavs or whatever it is they do," moaned Azure Regalus, a once majestic blue whale now listlessly bobbing in the ocean off the California coast, close to death. "Don't they care about real news? Real life?"

"We used to have some hope for humanity. We figured they would finally learn to communicate with us and we'd be able to help them with some of their problems, like this global warming thing, which is an easy fix, really. But they're regressing; losing rather than gaining wisdom. What a waste." Azure Regalus then shuddered pitifully and sank, lifeless, to the sea bottom.

photo by Stephen Osman LAT