First Class

Flying home from Nashville a couple of weeks ago, I experienced my first tantalizing taste of the sublime comforts of flying First Class. I got the upgrade because my ticketed flight was packed full, and the offer was extended to any three passengers willing to take a slightly later flight. I immediately volunteered. A smart move. The difference from my usual experience back with the slovenly hoi polloi in Coach was astonishing. The gulf between the services you receive in First Class versus Coach is vast, my little droogies, making, say, the span between the walls of the enormous Valles Marineris canyon on Mars seem akin to a rain gutter on the roof of your house, for want of a more clear and understandable metaphor, which could probably have been supplied by an editor, however such is the nature of bloggerdom that editors are seen as unnecessary, non-value-added, grammar policing martinets, right Barb? But I digress.

The waitress (it was near impossible to think of her as a flight attendant), soon after the flight began, brought out a tray with cups of water and OJ, to soothe our delicate, parched throats. This was followed by an offering of a small bowl of warm and toasty mixed nuts. Then comes the platter of hot towelettes. I took the proffered towel, unsure of exactly what to do with it, glancing surreptitiously at the other passengers to gain clues. The guy across the aisle was vigorously rubbing his face with it, which seemed odd. I wiped my hands with the towel and daintily returned it to the waitress, uh, flight attendant, as she asked, “Care for something to drink?” I said, “Er, what’s available, I’ve never been in first class before.” Her smile widened and she said, “We offer everything that you can order in coach, but we also have champagne.”

“One Bloody Mary, please.”

“Very good, sir.”

And so began a beautiful friendship, with me quaffing a Bloody Mary roughly every 300 miles, because the waitress kept bringing an extra little bottle of Skye vodka, and I’m thinking how can anyone ever go back to coach, this is superb, and I’ll bet Batman Begins will be the in-flight movie (it wasn’t) but that didn’t matter because I was also served food, actual scrumptious food that had taste and color and texture, and I happily sat in my big comfortable first class seat and read a good book and actually enjoyed the flight.

Always take the upgrade…